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26 November 2013 @ 03:28 pm
And my fear suddently knocks in my door...  
When I though it was something that will take a bit more time it sudden drop into me just a moment ago…After 2 years of a bad mood in my house between my mom and stepfather it all came to an end. My stepfather while bringing me to school this afternoon finally said he can’t get the situation anymore and he will start in thinking to get out and now me, my young sister and mom need to proceed our lives without him. I can’t say I’m happy or sad about the situation, it suddenly come like a bomb and now I don’t really know what to do. I’d a life style for over 3 years or so around and now it’s changing all over and I don’t know what to do since I get stuff and now everything will change… when I though I would get a root it was a fragile one. I will need to see what will come in the end but I know a no good outcome will be the end and I don’t wanna it to happen. Even though my stepfather said I will always be like a daughter to him and I supported him the most even the situation… I know nothing will be the same as it has.
I will miss it and now I’m a bit depressed over it I know it will pass since after all I think I’m emotionless and no one can kill my heart unless I’m the one to do it. Quite stupid I know, but even if I’ve a deep pain in my useless heart it will pass and soon it will all be in the past. Since it always happen when I’m left by others.
Thanks for listen/read my comment.
Bye!
Tags: ,
 
 
Mood: depresseddepressed
Music: Nothing, just my classmates...
 
 
 
Taihen!: Hibari b&wchinpirako on November 26th, 2013 03:37 pm (UTC)
I'm really really sorry to hear that, Hoka :((( I can't even imagine how insecure you must be feeling now...

Also, it's natural to be depressed about it now. And I do think you will get over it, not because you're emotionless, but because that's how humans are. They can get over even the worst situations and keep on living.
xhokahokaxxhokahokax on November 26th, 2013 05:25 pm (UTC)
It's just I don't know, just a bit i was arguing with my mom because I think my stepfather is an awesome person even with his defects, my mom just doesn't see it or if she see she doesn't care at all after all this time... and I can't say something... or more I can't agree with the situation because I know all this because of other people gossips. I just don't think it's fair for both.
I'm jobless, I'm no help to my mom now since she doesn't work as well and I don't know what I will do now to support our lives, me, mom and young sister.
But what I hate the most too is that my mom is now planning stuff ahead without my consent in the end... damn I do have an opinion... if she doesn't want my opinion then I'm better off her life.
Taihen!: Reborn!chinpirako on November 26th, 2013 05:50 pm (UTC)
It's really a pity they can't get along anymore... :(

I'm concerned about your situation, because I understand how hard it is to find a job in this crisis :(((((
xhokahokaxxhokahokax on November 26th, 2013 05:55 pm (UTC)
Yes and this is what makes me feel insecure actually, not the all bullshit about feelings... >.<
I'm in a dead pinch now... fuck this, fuck the current me...
nanantingkinanantingki on November 26th, 2013 04:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear... I'm sorry to hear this:/

To be honest, I was glad when my parents divorced, but I don't think it's the same here. I don't really know the situation, but it's okay to be depressed. We all have feelings for the people in our lives, and step-father or not, when you live under the same roof and share moments, it's understandable that you'd feel sad over such a change. I'm sure he doesn't take it lightly either, you must have meant a lot to him. I hope for the best for you and your family, and courage. These things are never easy. It may take time, but you'll eventually feel better and adjust to this new reality. f you ever need to talk/rant, I can always lend an ear:) Take care!
xhokahokaxxhokahokax on November 26th, 2013 05:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your words, but the problem here isn't not exactly the word separation, since I can always see him and he said we can always be together if we aren't far from each other or so (and like I said I'm an emotionless person... in summary a bitch!). What worries me more is that I'm jobless and so my mom, I don't know how we will survive in this fucking economy...
I hope we can get something out... really!
nanantingkinanantingki on November 26th, 2013 05:54 pm (UTC)
Well, yeah, I sort of realised that, but it is a sensitive subject and I didn't want to talk about it at first:) My mum has been the sole provider for me and my siblings for so many years I can't even remember how long she's supported us. I'm unemployed as well, and I'm searching for a job, and it's not easy. We have a lot of problems, but we'll make it through. So, I wish the same to you. Don't despair, just try your best. In the end, it's the only thing we can do. Good luck with finding a job and good luck with everything:) I hope your health is good, because mine just won't stop torturing me;)
xhokahokaxxhokahokax on November 26th, 2013 05:58 pm (UTC)
It's okay to talk and be frank with me, actually I like people like that and yes I will try the best I can to support me and as well to try make it.
My life is already a torment since my mom think I'm taking sides and everything... but what can I say when I think I respect my stepfather even though in a situation like this he remains calm... or at least shows?
I hope I can get something even in this shitty economy I truly need a job I like and I can be able to work with full soul. But now any job I can make will be okay as long as I can bring money to home.
nanantingkinanantingki on November 26th, 2013 06:05 pm (UTC)
I'm glad, I don't feel good unless I speak honestly:) The thing is, just because she's your mum, it doesn't mean she's right. My mum and I have fought many times, and of course, she has been wrong as well. I don't know if you're taking sides, but it's different from stating loud and clear what you think the situation is and how they both respond to it. If you think it's possible, maybe you can calm yourself as much as possible, and then have a really calm conversation with her. There may be a lot of misunderstanding between them that make them negatively predisposed towards each other or there may be something you don't know. Since things are so hard, I think you should rely on and support each other, so that you'll all make it through as a family. I know it's difficult, but it's very important, in my belief. And I know what you mean. I want a job that I'll like as well, but things are so hard that any work seems like an oasis to me right now.
xhokahokaxxhokahokax on November 26th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
I fight with her as well but the problem is the more I talk with her the more she thinks I'm in his side and not her... and she thinks I'm in his side because he has money and he can support my life style or something like that. And just thinking that is what makes me think she is completely wrong.
I said out and clear to her but she still thinks I'm taking side. And as you said there are a lot of misunderstandings specially all thanks to my mom's friends saying from the start he was a "bad" guy and something like that. If others should just fuck shut up it will be so damn good, but she doesn't... it was the same wile my mom divorced my real father... it was a pain the ass because she never listen to us family but to others, although my real father made a lot of shit in the process too.
I will try as much as possible to my family rely in me.. like I did all these years... but who will I rely? Just as you said we should support each other... but the problem is if I open my heart and say what it's really going on it will only bring even more trouble and I don't wanna make it even more difficult as it's.
Yes a job will be like an oasis to me, I'm even taking more courses to try get more jobs as I can... but even like that it's so damn hard... it's difficult. Although I know I will survive a way or another I know I will, because even though I'm not a good human being to this society there are people/friends who I will try to rely and ask for help.
Like now!
nanantingkinanantingki on November 26th, 2013 06:57 pm (UTC)
(Sorry, I had to go to the pharmacy)

Maybe your mother doesn't get that the stability of your family is more important to you than money. I believe that man had become part of your family, and maybe your mother, hearing her friend's opinions, feels somehow betrayed by him or that she made a mistake in marrying/trusting him, especially if your father has betrayed her a lot in the past. I don't know what has happened, or if your step-father is a bad man, but if he hasn't wronged your mother, I hope that she'll understand in the future that her behaviour towards you is wrong. As for her friend, I'm not sure what to think. There are friends who really are friends and there are friends who are snakes. I believe you know better which of the two she is. I hope it's just a passing storm, and I hope that they will resolve their misunderstandings.

Maybe it's just too early to talk to her calmly, I'm certain she is affected by all this and she definitely has her own feelings. Perhaps if you'd approach her after a few days, she may react differently. Though I understand you. Suddenly, you're in the middle of a divorce, fearing for the well-being of your family, and your mother doesn't get how afraid you are. And you also need to defend and explain yourself, at a time where you should all be helping each other. When people rely on you during tough times, you need double the strength. Because I'm certain they also rely emotionally, and that definitely has its toll. At least it does on me.

I'm not good for this society either, and I'm struggling here, because things are just horrific. I don't when or what kind of job I'll be able to find, unemployment figures are over the roof here. I wish you better luck than I have! But I hope that talking to me helps you, if only a little:)
aziphileaziphile on December 21st, 2013 01:11 am (UTC)
Hoka I'm really late, but I hope you've been coping well with the current situation. I wish for the best for your family and that you guys will manage to get back on track soon enough. :c
hayakobrownhayakobrown on January 13th, 2014 06:11 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about the bad news. I can't really feel the way you feel, but some dear friends of mine have been through tough situations like these. The best solution is to keep calm and to talk to people you can talk to. :)